A startlingly humbling realization I came to yesterday started to piece together the last 7 months. However, I don’t think we humans, feeble minded and so limited in time, may ever truly understand God’s ways to a T. And why He does what He does. And that’s why God is God.
I revel in moments like these, where He reveals His glory and a tiny part of how His plan is at work in the hardest season I’ve ever walked through. A year of fear, doubt, gripping tightly onto control, isolation and grudgingly choosing to trust, to yell when things don’t make sense, to sit in a mess and feel stuck.
I don’t think I’ll ever know exactly why God put me here, but through this, He is refining me and redefining our relationship. I am undoing everything I knew about this One I serve and stitching together a new tapestry. And it is the most beautiful process I have ever witnessed. I stand in awe of this kind of intimacy I didn’t know possible.
I’m a doer. I love to work, to help, to be busy — to feel needed, to use my talents and to have a sense of worth in what I do, making me who I am.
And in December, God took my hands, clasped them together and said, “Enough, stop.”
Everything came to a screeching halt. Everything. The ministries I was involved in. The titles I had. The extra time I put into my job trying to get promoted. The writing. The effort I put into school (I type this hesitantly, haha) and my interpersonal relationships.
It all slowed down to the slowest of motions, and I couldn’t wrap my head around why a good God would do such a thing as this to me. I’m stubborn, and He would close doors and slam them shut in my face.
He whispers all kinds of lovely to me. He tells me He is in control. I fret and worry about the decisions I make, what people may think and the way I spend my hours, these precious days that won’t go on infinitely. And it’s so easy to get caught up in old ways of thinking, but He repeats in the same, loving whisper just to say: I am in control.
He doesn’t pour new wine into old wineskins — Jesus doesn’t come and just rearrange a few of the places in my heart and say, “Ok, well.. that’s better”. He reinvents completely. To an unrecognizable degree. He discards all old things, puts it to death, and breathes to life a completely new being.
Can I be honest with you, I don’t recognize myself anymore (and I’m pretty sure those who knew me before all this don’t either).
I go to a good church. I know good people. I have a great job. I love what I’m learning through my education. I love investing in the Kingdom and His people. I hold close the friends He has put in my life.
Why am I telling you this? Because I would whisper this to the ceiling as the snow pit pattered on the roof, “if I have made an idol to anything above You, remove it please. I want to know Your heart. Raise me up in a holy passion.” — and God took me up on that.
Nothing ever happens the way we imagine or like. Our plans aren’t above His plans.
I truly believe He wrecked everything — even the good things — and emptied my hands and my heart just so I can see myself the way He does and see I still matter, regardless. Even when everywhere else I had put my worth in disappeared; especially the things I truly believed I’d only matter to God if I’d do them.
So here’s the revelation: I’ve been under this illusion that I only matter when my deeds add up. That just as I am is not enough for a God to love and to know. That my version of how He sees me is warped, but, girl, it’s about time you know just how much I love you when you are empty – watch me love you even harder when you’re completely empty. I dare you to come deeper to this ocean of intimacy you’re scared of drowning in. Watch how you’ll walk on water. Step towards Me.
He continues to shake my world upside down and ask me who I serve.
I still don’t believe Him a lot of the time, and His patience astounds me ridiculously, but here’s what I’m learning:
Sometimes, God asks us to let go of everything, not because they are necessarily bad for us, but because He wants us to find fulfillment in Him and Him alone.
Girl, do you love Me? Not the things you can do for Me. Not My people or my blessings and provisions. I want to show you a kind of love you’ve never dreamed possible. And I’m going to flip you inside and out to show you exactly where your worth lies.
Sometimes, we get so jaded by our full calendars, Christian accomplishments and good intentions that we forget Jesus died on a cross for the sinner, the lowest of the low — and that, at the end of the day, when the self-protection of self-distraction has died down, we are that being.
I write this in the thick of this daily battle — to choose what He says of me and to leave behind the old wineskins.
Courage, dear heart.
Deeper, brave soul.
Do you want to know Me?
Be poured out like water before the Lord.
Know true fullness.